Butterfly Awakened
by Madhuri Mukhopadhyay Vasudevan
In the words of the world-renowned poetess, Maya Angelou, “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
This is a story of my most recent transformative experience.
Forty years of dance training, 4 years of medical school, and 7 years of specialized training ingrained in me a deep and long-lasting commitment to hard work and sacrifice that requires the ultimate intellectual, mental, emotional, and physical stamina. I developed an addictive, self-serving sense of pride, knowing that my hard work paid off, and I developed the notion that true success, and by association, my happiness and value, was contingent on intense, arduous work.
After 16 years of professional practice, raising two children, nurturing a loving household, serving as wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend, while providing supportive care for three households, and balancing my personal and professional goals, I paused from my task-oriented mindset and looked in the mirror. I stood there, looking at my reflection, a mundane act that I had done millions of times over. Suddenly, a barrage of insults and self- criticisms reflexively spewed out, and I projected them onto my reflection. I simply saw what I lacked.
I’m not as fit as I promised myself I would be by this age. I’m not advancing in my career at the pace I expected, while my colleagues seem to be smiling on their way to higher positions and greater recognition (or at least, that is what their Facebook posts lead me to believe). I am working 100 times harder and still do not feel recognized or appreciated. Is this how it is going to be forever? I found the answer in the most unexpected gift – a gift that allowed me to reflect on my professional, personal, emotional, and spiritual paths. That gift was pain.
Debilitating pain and weakness insidiously nestled into my body, crippling me to the point of not being able to move without some part of my body screaming in pain and limiting my movement and functionality. It stripped me of my identity as a dancer, removed the normalcy of interactions with my loving family, and took me away from my professional mission and my passion as a physician specialist. During the first few months, I was lost in sheer pain and despair. I met my inner demons of guilt, worthlessness, frustration, and anger, feeling like I was taken for granted or just plainly ignored, and berating myself with the belief that I brought this upon myself.
I worked until I could not walk. Forced to take a leave of absence felt like absolute failure. I could not keep it all together, I could not meet everyone’s expectations, I failed to please everyone. Therefore, I concluded that I am a failure. I felt like I was a stranger in my own home. In this cocoon of misery, I felt frustrated with my restrictions and resisted my body’s cues. But the universe has a way of guiding us in the best direction. I started praying, calming my mind and listening to the supportive words of my family. After several weeks of toggling between sulking and crying, I found my answers in nature.
I invested the time to sit outside and soak in a little early morning sun. Filled with quiet and peaceful surrender to the beauties of mother nature, I began to truly appreciate the simplest of experiences in my life – the taste of sweet mangoes, the warmth of the sun on my cheeks, the sound of the morning larks as they sing to their flock, the radiant light that shines through our trees instilling a softness to everything, and the sweet, pervasive fragrance of magnolias, jasmine and roses that waft through the air. The pain disappeared for moments, especially when I smiled.
Mother Nature silently taught me what no one else could teach me – life happens effortlessly, perfectly and beautifully. The immaculate perfection of Mother Nature is spontaneous. No one teaches the flower how to bloom. We do not have to put pressure on its roots. We do not dig out the roots to see if they are growing. All we must do is provide her with sun, fresh water, good nutrients, and be patient. Nature will take care of the rest! I realized that I have all I need to heal completely.
I concluded that my present experience and future direction depended on three critical actions: I must recalibrate my mind to a state of health, I must believe that I deserve to heal, and I must love myself unconditionally – all of me, including the pain, the limitations, and restrictions. Loving myself is not a selfish act or one that should be perpetually placed on the back burner. But how to love myself was still a challenge. Loving and helping others came to me naturally. Little did I realize that the act of giving that I extended joyfully would come back to me multifold.
I started receiving calls from my friends and colleagues. Listening to my intuition helped me discern the difference between idle curiosity and genuine caring. I decided to express myself with kindness and clarity but not overextend as I had done so many times before. The curious cats faded away, while my dearest and truest friends, my chosen sisters, reached out to spend time with me, to sit with me, to get me water, to cry with me, to pray for me, and to hold my hands when there was nothing more to say. In this supported, loving, radiant and compassionate space, I learned to listen to my heart, my higher self, and the divinity that is all knowing, ever-present, and all-loving.
Listening to my heart allowed me to trust in my own intuition, to pay attention to that inner voice that knows right from wrong, good from bad, and to put myself first, unabashedly, and unapologetically. Loving myself helped me when there were no friends or family to lift me up. Loving myself gave me the permission to talk to myself and become my own dance teacher. In the quiet of our home, I pushed myself to rise from the bed, knowing that each move would send waves of electric pain through my ankles, knees, and feet. Hunched over with tears streaming, I pushed myself one step at a time. The dancer’s mentality is to push beyond the pain. But this pain was beyond my tolerance. Nevertheless, I had no choice but to move forward.
With my loving family by my side, I sought guidance from medical professionals. Given my experience as a physician and as a person who believes in getting down to the root cause of ailments in the body, I sought clinical care to give me answers. Some specialists with myopic viewpoints tried to lead me down the wrong medical algorithm. But thanks to my discerning mindset, my intuition and being receptive to the signs that the universe put into my life, I was led to a board-certified internal medicine and integrative/functional medicine specialist. With her guidance, and after a thorough and comprehensive battery of tests, the answers to my condition became clearer and the multifaceted approach to my healing became became well-defined. My medical mindset helped me delve into the world of neuroplasticity and the mind/body connection. Equipped with newfound knowledge and determined to put it into practice, I created a personal schedule.
I got up before sunrise, stretched, practiced positive affirmations, enjoyed a detox juice, reinforced a mindfulness practice, ate whole and healthy foods, studied a little and then had some fun! Then, I mobilized myself to get up and get out of the house – on to physical therapy, occupational therapy, pool therapy, strength training, other supportive therapies, and back home. Each time I rotated my ankle on the board, it would send shocking waves of pain. Each time I placed weight on my hands, tears would stream. Each time I moved my fingers or toes, I cried out in agony.
The natural human tendency is to recoil from painful experiences. But I had to look that pain and suffering directly and say to myself, “Thank you pain, you teach me every day that love is stronger than pain. You, pain, are transient. This period of difficulty in my life will pass, just as the clouds roll by, revealing the brilliant sun that has been shining all along!” Such determination requires a resolute mind – that no matter the pain, no matter the difficulty, we must push forward.
Whenever doubts entered my mind, I remained resolute to replace fear and doubt with belief in my body’s innate capacity to heal. I prayed every night, surrendering to the power of the pervasive, infinite universe. The days and nights blurred to weeks to months. Trying not to overthink or overanalyze my progress, I let go of my expectations and simply focused on the work itself. One day, months later, I woke up and acknowledged to myself that the severity of pain overall had lessened. I have started to feel an ease in my knees, and reduced inflammation and pain in my hands and ankles. I was able to walk inside my house with substantially less pain.
Each day, I set a reasonable, new target. Some days, I accomplished it, and some days I did not. I continue to remind myself to let go of self-critical thoughts that impede my progress. I set one clear goal – to be able to drive to work, park my car, and get to my clinic, without substantial pain. To accomplish this, I inched my way to our treadmill and started the climb, one step at a time, at what seemed like a snail’s pace - 1 mile/hour. But, to my family’s astonishment they saw me walking continuously for 5 minutes without stopping! Something I had not been able to do for 6 months. This itself was a supreme accomplishment! And the excitement spurred my will to continue. Once I accomplished walking for 30 minutes, to the point of mild discomfort, then I decided to return to work. I donned my favorite fashionista red jacket, my signature attire for work, and resumed my clinical duties.
I am honored to be a physician at the Veterans Hospital in Houston, Texas. As I walk through the hospital halls, I appreciate the dedication, service and sacrifice that our veterans have invested in caring for and protecting us. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to continue my passion and cultivate a healing mindset in my patients, my students, and colleagues. Cultivating an attitude of gratitude has helped me appreciate the simplest experiences of this life.
I also gave myself the permission to change my professional goals and focus on creating a balanced life that affords me the joys of spending time with my family, exploring my personal interests, expanding my knowledge and skills as an endocrinologist, and honing my skills as a clinical faculty and mentor. Since then, I have set other aspirational goals, such as making an international family trip, and I am proud to say that I have accomplished them! For anyone seeking to develop a path to transformation, I would like to share the following five pearls of advice.
Believe in your divine nature!
Just as a ray of sun remains pure and perfect, regardless of what impediments have come in its way, you are pure and perfect. You have a natural light that originates from an infinite source of goodness, that shines within you, through you and spreads throughout the world! No circumstance and no person can take away your light! You do not have to justify your brilliance by working hard or proving it to yourself or anyone else. It has always been there, it is there now, and it will always be with you, gleaming naturally and effervescently!
Love yourself.
You are your golden girlfriend. Imagine that your best friend or your loved one came to you expressing feelings of shame, guilt, regret, remorse, frustration, anger, or sadness. Would you reinforce those feelings? Would you leave your friend feeling unsettled and hopeless, or would you encourage your friend to see that her inner beauty, innate goodness, and effortless kindness are the keys to finding the answers and to unlocking her potential? Imagine the smile on your friend’s face and the release that she feels when you encourage her, when you tell her that you love her, and that you will be with her to cheerlead her along the way. Now imagine that girlfriend is you. Have you ever spoken to yourself the way that you would counsel your dearest friend? Now is the time to realize to apply that same love to yourself. We all know the old adage, the golden rule – “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” Well, let’s flip that for a minute – talk to yourself as you talk to your loved ones, treat yourself as you treat your loved ones, and love yourself and you love others. You are your golden girlfriend!
Forgive yourself:
Reflect and Release: All of us make mistakes! It’s an essential and critical part of life experience! Life is dynamic and ever-changing, with an infinite number of perceived experiences. When confronted with negative emotions, recall the transient nature of the experience. It is important to reflect on your feelings and be honest with yourself and just know that the right answers inevitably follow. Once the undercurrent of emotions and feelings come to the surface, give yourself the permission to let them leave your mind, body, and spirit. You are allowed to feel free and liberated. Releasing those emotions and choosing to elevate yourself, to center and connect with your divine self, and to uphold the firm belief that you have an innate, unshakeable ability to choose your next move will give you the confidence and power to forgive your past, be yourself today, and celebrate your greatness!
Cultivate an Attitude of Gratitude:
Take the time to hug your loved ones, thank them earnestly for the smallest gestures of kindness that they may extend to you. Follow the same principle for your friends, colleagues, and community. Notice the immediate shift in the vibration as they beam with a sense of pride and happiness that they could bring that joy to you. It is electric! Gratitude creates a ripple effect of positivity, a palpable vibration of healing and love.
Service is Joy:
Throughout my medical training and practice, I have had the privilege of working at the Veterans Hospital. These experiences are both humbling and inspiring. I have visited with patients of all ages, both in the inpatient and outpatient settings. I listen to their stories, their greatest health concerns, and appreciate that they are exposing themselves during moments of extreme vulnerability. Serving them fills me with happiness. In the words of the famous Nobel prize winner, Rabindranath Tagore, “I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.”
My path to healing is ongoing. Now, as I look in the mirror, I see a new person. I stand taller, smile confidently, with the realization that the universe is guiding me every day. I see someone who deserves loving kindness. I am forever grateful for the lessons I am learning. I recognize now that the chrysalis that once seemed to confine me was in fact the perfect haven for growth, a protective sphere of opportunity, to harness my inner strengths and further cultivate my emotional and spiritual intelligence. Now, I am ready to receive love, abundance and healing, just as a butterfly expands her radiant wings, to gain greater strength, resilience and vibrance, through the art of divinely inspired self-love, intuition, compassionate communication, and gratitude.